God Is Good All the Time And All the Time God Is Good
choosing hymns
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,00 check in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with the congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly, she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to three handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
taxi driver
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
but i don't wanta go to church
One Sunday morning, a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church.
"I'm not going to church this morning," the son says.
"You gotta get up and go to church," says mother.
"No, I'm not," says the son.
"Yes, you are!" says the mother.
"No, I'm not. They don't like me, and I don't like them," says the son.
"Give me two good reasons why I have to go."
So, the mother patiently replies, "Number one, you're 55 years old.
And number two, you're the pastor!"
Adam & eve
Little Johnny
Little Johnny went to Sunday school one Sunday. The lesson for the day was from Genesis. “God opened up Adam’s side, took a rib from him, and created Eve from it,” was what really struck Johnny.
Later, that afternoon, Johnny started feeling sick, and his side began to hurt.
He lay down on the couch, and after about half an hour, his mother came over and asked him if he was feeling okay.
He said, “Not really – I think I’m gonna have a wife.”
laughter is the best medicine
Probably not what they meant
Some days are like this
Not necessarily blond
Incident at Taco bell
Just went in the drive thru at Taco Bell and I gave the lady my $50. She grabs the money and lays it on the counter and takes the marker and marks it to see if the money is real or fake....
She promptly hands it back to me and says, "Sir I cannot accept this money it is counterfeit, you see the dark line that means it counterfeit!"
So, I tell her wow this money is straight from the bank, and she hands it back to me so l hand her another $50 bill she lays it on the counter and marks it.
"Yep, this one is counterfeit too."
So, I'm like WOW!!!
"Both of my $50's are fake!?!!!?"
So then at this point I had one important question...
"Lady are you using a sharpie!?!?"
She takes a loooooooooong look at the marker....
"Yes sir, I am."
too funny
billy Graham drives limousine
Before he died, Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know," he said, "I am 87 years old, and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No problem. Be my guest!" Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
so funny
Vengence is Mine - Thus Sayeth the Little Guy
Three burly fellows on huge motorcycles pulled up to a highway cafe where a truck driver, just a little guy, was perched on a stool quietly eating his lunch.
As the three fellows came in, they spotted him, grabbed his food away from him and laughed in his face. The truck driver said nothing. He got up, paid for his food and walked out.
One of the three cyclists, unhappy that they hadn’t succeeded in provoking the little [guy] into a fight commented to the waitress: “Boy, he sure wasn’t much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied, “Well, I guess not.”
Then, looking out the window, she added, “I guess he’s not much of a truck driver, either.
He just ran over three motorcycles.”
hilarious
The Rules
- The female always makes The Rules.
- The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
- No male can possibly know all The Rules.
- If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
- The female is never wrong.
- If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
- If the above rule applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
- The female may change her mind at any time.
- The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
- The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
- The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
- The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
- The male is expected to mind read at all times.
- The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
- Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
must have worked
Secret To a Truly Contented Marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” Explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, “That’s once.” We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. One more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.”
We hadn’t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, “That’s once.”
a letter of inquiry
The Minister’s Widow
There was a nice lady, a minister’s widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week’s vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn’t bring herself to write “toilet” in a letter.
After considerable deliberation, she settled on “bathroom commode,” but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as “BC.” “Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own ‘BC’? If not, where is the ‘BC’ located?” is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady’s check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what “BC” meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.
The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn’t decipher it either. The staff member’s wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. “Of course,” the first staffer exclaimed, “‘BC’ stands for ‘Baptist Church.’ ” And he sat down and wrote:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the ‘BC.’
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.”
